Friday, March 27, 2009

sonnet 14

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I wish

To create another person, to pretend that I am
what I want to be. To dream about love, to fantasize about life,
to want what I will never get. But maybe, if I tried hard?
I would like to not know the real me. And I don't. Not really.
I would like to pretend that I am good. I would like to think that
I really care about people. I would like to think that I'm not a jerk.
It would be nice to be something good.

Have you ever wished you were spectacular?
Do you wish you were amazing?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

My life really doesn't make out for an interesting blog so please excuse my absence.
Haha. Ooops. For a second I was imagining somebody actually reads these waste of words.
Homework + Music + Reading (yes!)+ Sketching a bit + Not getting enough sleep(ugh) + Sewing a tutu + Loads of coffee (caffeine) + Doing crunches like a maniac (swimsuit season coming up. ugh.) + Attempting to make sense of bitchy and annoying people = My. Current. Life. In. A. Nutshell.

Oh but there is a good thing:
• Silverwood themepark employs 14 yearolds
• I applied for a job. whoa.
• I am really hoping to get a job, save up for a car, college, stupid things like that
• Oh. Aaand. I heard you can get a driving permit at 14 1/2 here in the backwoods. OMG!

If I didn't I would not be wouldn't want to live anyways.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Walk with dignity
You're worth more than that

Beautiful, a butterfly, a starrynight sky,
The raging ocean waves,
a here and there.

A mask, a disguise, 
Refuse to let it show
How you are
Who you are

I know its hard to walk with dignity
In your stride
When you just wanna cry
You really wanna die
But you're beautiful
So my darling girl
Put up a fight

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How could he?

Sometimes I worry that some of the thoughts tumbling around in my head might just spill out. That would be embarrassing I think. Or maybe a little bit unsettling.

Sometimes I wonder about complete openness. What if someone you knew everything you thought, everything you meant, everything you really are or were.
I'm not sure how a relationship like that would turn out.
But what if that person was still completely in love with you. And you were just a jerk.
I kind of feel like that. What a drag I am. I just keep falling and dragging him down with me.
I keep stumbling, right after refusing his hand to help me along.

I don't get it.
In two trips to Borders I finished reading a book by Ellen Hopkins.
It was very... I guess you could say inspirational.

Being sick, avoiding homework, reading alone in your room, gives you time to think about things.
I have been thinking about myself, and God, and I'm not really sure what. I will not make an attempt to sound smart or religious or whatever. I'm really trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing and what God wants me to do. I've lately been asking for courage, because I really have none. Most of the time I would like to just hide away from everyone, and read and listen to music by myself. Alone. That would be nice. But if I had courage maybe I could actually make a difference in the world, in people's hearts. That would be much better I think.
I need courage to face the world, to come out of myself. To be who I need to be.
Current reads:

There were a couple of books that I started reading a while ago that I would like to get from the library again are: