Sometimes I have these stupid ideas.

Sometimes I have these stupid ideas. I am sick of so many "Christians".... of the whole hypocrisy, and I want to do something rebellious. To do something unusual -- "out there". I don't want to be one of them. So I think, I will start smoking, or something ridiculous like so. Cigarettes are gross--what am I thinking?--they make your teeth yellow, and they make your hair all crinkly, like dry hay. They make you have those little lip-wrinkles, and raspy voices. No. I think not.

How? How? How?,

I think, maybe being rebellious would be acting real. Ending the hypocrisy.

No, I am rarely honest, or nice. I don't read my bible everyday, and guess what! Sometimes I even forget to pray; to talk to my saving grace, my only hope to be free from myself. I'm SO selfish and insecure. I am jealous, and I have a horrid pride. I think of pleasing people, so often, before I think of pleasing God. I think of myself, how everything effects me. I think of me, and myself only.

Then, once in a while, I cry out. I remember what an idiot i am--wake up call! I hear--I listen. I seek change, ever so slowly. I resist. I fall. I fail so frequently. This is only the beginning. But I try, you can give me that little bit.

I will seek change in this reckless heart.

So there it is. I am not what you think of as a "Christian".

I am trying to end this conjecture of those who want to love God, who try.

I want to rebel. From the rash trend of conformity, this masquerade.

Am I alone?