Saturday, November 28, 2009

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
~ Epicurus
It is not the voice that commands the story: it is the ear.
~ Italo Calvino

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

By Mical Edstrom

I am one of the girls
Who needs to be strong
Even as he hits me
And says its my fault

I am one of the marred
Who will never be beautiful
I hate myself each second
And as I’m leaning over the bowl

I am one of the fake
A dancing facade of happiness
Longing to be pieced back together
To no longer subsist in hopelessness

I am one of the broken
Drowning in my fear
Consumed by the oppressive monster
Whispering in my ear

I am one of the wretched
Lonely and misunderstood
Crying out to the echoing ocean
Desolation’s flood

I am one of the loathsome
Wanting of grace
Awkward and impossible
Merely an ugly face

I am one of the swindled
My obsession is their lies
I’ve devoured their propaganda
The demise if my life

I am one of the desperate
Lost and unconvinced
Their spiteful insults loop in my head
I shall die in this hideous skin

I am one of the naïve
My eyes follow you walking away
You relish the stunning, the faultless
I’ll never attain the love I crave

I am one of the defective
Never shall I know your approval
So I waste away into petals of sorrow
My love forgone, I’ve lost all hope

I am one of the feeble
I’ve whimpered and cowered
I’ve silently begged for your love
But my prayers die unuttered

I am one of the shattered
Never to be redeemed
I’m lost in the feral illusion
Just one of the innumerable host unseen
By Mical Edstrom

My heart henceforth shall be defeated, shattered
I shall be forever concealed
From your healing touch
From your love, I so fear

The walls so looming
Indestructible, the confines I loathe
Yet the binding is my own fear
An asphyxiating betroth

Intimate relations
Of love and hate
Destiny of fear and anger,
Loneliness claims my barren fate

Unyielding chains, my terror
Has tied me to an anchor in the sea
My gruesome nightmares
Bind me to ghosts, never to be free

Vacant of passion
My heart is so cold
A dilapidated shell
Of sorrowful remorse
I Hate Me©
By Mical Edstrom

'A voice of remorse shrieks in my ears
It whispers of self-hatred, the lonely years
It sighs breaths of disgust, my ceaseless fear
Contempt its self, detests me, thrives on my tears

It mocks and derides me, of it I shall never be rid
Coiling amidst my thoughts, self-loathing it bids
It is consuming, so selfish, loving forbid
It has caught up, wherever I’ve run or hid'
Truth in Love and Song©
By Mical Edstrom

For there is no lie
In the music
May the omnipotent song
Be my life, be my magic
When I am alone and searching
May wailing cellos be my refrain
As I watch and I long for you
May the thunderous ivories
Be my escape
May the nefarious tango
Be the cadence of my heart
Through the ecstasy and pain
As I run and I quaver,
Let the resonating strings be mine
Let the majestic harmonies
Be mine as I waver
May I dance to the tune
Of a thousand voices
And may I know the sound of verve
May I my life be a waltz
And a symphony of chaos
Untitled Poem©

I’ll never cry
For the salty ocean is mine
For the heart you’ve broken
Has befallen numb in time

The lead in my mouth
The dry swollen sob
Won’t escape me
So help me God

So my fingers will croon music
Out of that old grand’s keys
I’ll lose myself in the sigh of the song
A moment, so fleetingly free

I shall love the refrain
And on the water I’ll lie
Singing to the wind
An honest, lonesome cry

The petals of the sky
Will betroth me in peace
The ribbons of the rain
Will be my release

Shattered, I rest
My bellowing heart shall respite
And the beads of convalescence
Shall inflame me to heights

By Mical Edstrom

Thursday, November 19, 2009

No-I don't think your boxers are sexy...

No, no thankyou. I don't fancy a first-class view of your boxers.
Is what you do, who you are?
Are the thoughts in my mind, reflective of who I am?

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I'm swept away, oh but not lost.

With history, your bluest grace
Falls apart, cascading down
Speak to me of beautiful hate
Of island chains swept with the tide
Tragedy ripening on
The coral leis of a conquering king

They're swept away
Oh, but not lost

Beneath the waves of trembling stars
The road winds towards
The windward side
My soul is saved by these city lights
My face is framed by the blanket of night

They're swept away
Oh, but not lost

Was I too proud to sat, or to wish for
Words that I knew were forbidden?
Because I don't want to know
I didn't want to see what I saw
When I looked in the distance

They're swept away
Oh, but not lost

--The Lost City Of Refuge, And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Friday, October 2, 2009

my heart

me new
like only
can do.

"Sexy is when it feels good to be in your own skin. Your own body feels right, it feels comfortable. Sexy is when you love being you." ~Rob Bell

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Your love is extravagant.
Your friendship is so intimate.
I find I’m moving to the rhythms of Your grace.
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place.
Your love is extravagant.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ,
Is a love that covers sin.
No Great love have I ever known.
You considered me Your friend.
Capture my heart again.
Capture my heart again.

Your love is extravagant.
Your friendship is so intimate.
I find I’m moving to the rhythms of Your grace.
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place.
Your love is extravagant.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ,
Is a love that covers sin.
No Great love have I ever known.
You considered me Your friend.
Spread wide in the arms of Christ,
Is a love that covers sin.
No Great love have I ever known.
You considered me Your friend.

Capture my heart again,
Capture my heart again,
Capture my heart again,
Capture my heart again.

Your Love Is Extravagant//The Almost//

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sometimes I have these stupid ideas.

Sometimes I have these stupid ideas. I am sick of so many "Christians".... of the whole hypocrisy, and I want to do something rebellious. To do something unusual -- "out there". I don't want to be one of them. So I think, I will start smoking, or something ridiculous like so. Cigarettes are gross--what am I thinking?--they make your teeth yellow, and they make your hair all crinkly, like dry hay. They make you have those little lip-wrinkles, and raspy voices. No. I think not.
How? How? How?,
I think, maybe being rebellious would be acting real. Ending the hypocrisy.

No, I am rarely honest, or nice. I don't read my bible everyday, and guess what! Sometimes I even forget to pray; to talk to my saving grace, my only hope to be free from myself. I'm SO selfish and insecure. I am jealous, and I have a horrid pride. I think of pleasing people, so often, before I think of pleasing God. I think of myself, how everything effects me. I think of me, and myself only.
Then, once in a while, I cry out. I remember what an idiot i am--wake up call! I hear--I listen. I seek change, ever so slowly. I resist. I fall. I fail so frequently. This is only the beginning. But I try, you can give me that little bit.
I will seek change in this reckless heart.

So there it is. I am not what you think of as a "Christian".
I am trying to end this conjecture of those who want to love God, who try.
I want to rebel. From the rash trend of conformity, this masquerade.

Am I alone?

Sunday, September 27, 2009



Saturday, September 26, 2009


So, lately I've gotten enormous loads of weird emails from all these old, freaky, turkish men.
For example:

How are you pretty angel?, My Name is david, I’m 41yrs old. I’m Honest,..loving, caring, God fearing, open minded person I am new here looking..for someone special in here with all the qualities which a very lovely..woman like you ll have, very simple take things easy, understanding..,loves kids and be able to take good care of things ,i saw your profile..very lovely I think you have all a man will want in a woman and i are the kind of person a man will want to know. beautiful and..charming. I will love to know more about you and see more of, and I will appreciate it if i will hear from you thanks.

They don't have very good English either.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

When will we see the rainbow?

His little one tries as hard as she can
Do anything just so she could fit in
She wants a friend so bad she'll do whatever they tell her
To make them smile she would misbehave
But all the while they would laugh in her face
She begins to cry because she thought that they liked her

Even though you feel all alone
It can't rain everyday
It don't rain forever
Your sunshine may be gone but i know
It can't rain everyday
It don't rain forever

He works hard everyday of his life
For his son on the way and his beautiful wife
But today he got a call from his job they got something to tell him.
They laid him off now he's out on the streets
He's got to do what it takes so his family can eat
He can't even look at his wife because he feels like he failed them


Reign down! reign down! reign down! so let it reign down!
Reign down! reign down! reign down on me now!

A young lady's been lost for awhile
But that's ok now she's having a child
She finally got what she wants. she's got someone who loves her
But this morning she woke up in pain.
Nobody had to tell her because she knew right away
So she started to cry because she won't be a mother.


Reign down! reign down! reign down! reign down on me!
Reign down! reign down! reign down!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Have you ever had one of those fantastic dreams
and then woke up to the sad reality
and it left you feeling so... without?

Its like something is missing,
like I had it.
Then... it's gone.

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.

It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give.

And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.

Bette Midler

Saturday, September 5, 2009


All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.
Thomas E. Lawrence

So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.
Christopher Reeve

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Friday, September 4, 2009

**First Class Entertainment**

"Hello Pretty One, How are you doing today?Am very happy to write to you letting you know how Your profile caught my attention and i can't pass through and not say hi...well i'm a single man .i work as a civil engineer in MIAMI, Florida United States Am Henry Large. born and brought up in MIAMI, Florida United States, in USA am 44 years of age,The reason why I am writing you. I really like what I have seen and read so far in your profile. You are a very beautiful and attractive looking woman and I would love to have the pleasure of talking to you and even maybe meeting one day. That is of course you would be interested in doing so?If you are looking and wanting to meet an honest and sincere man who will always do what is needed to make sure that you are always happy, then please consider talking and getting to know me. I guarantee that you would not be disappointed. while i love to meet real woman to arrest my soul not a game player, someone who will spend the rest of her life with his soul mate, im very easy out going man that really care for my humanitarian as well, but i don't mind being with a very loyal and creative woman who mostly care for a child and plan for future and right now i am looking for a serious woman to have a serious relationship with i come across your profile when i log in here and i see you are beautiful woman so i like to know you have a chat with you some time can reach me through my email address henrylarge52 or you can IM it would be nice to read back from you again, have a wonderful time.

"You sound nice but I watch TV bucko you could be an old sicko and possibly a perverted stalker so leave me alone.

I will not be molested!! Plus I live in Turkey with my 10 year old husband who will beat you up, but we do not have money so I cannot fly to watch your defeat. I'm sorry.

Sincerely, way not interested.

P.S. If you are not a perverted stalker, child molester, prisoner escapee, serial killer, or anything like-wise please take no offense.
:)... "

" are such an amusing person...if you are interested in knowing me , add me up on your messenger so we can"

"I am an amusing person? HA!
PFFTT!! You don't even know the half of it buddy."

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
but there's one thing, that i'll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus your true

when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

in the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more

when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

I will praise you, i will praise you
when the tears fall, still i will sing to you
i will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffering still i will sing

Saturday, July 4, 2009

If I had magic....

I would create happiness
I would have no need to pretend

If I had magic....

You would be who you were
I could find you again

If I had magic....

I could really be me
I could dance all day long

If I had magic....

I'd be right
You'd never be wrong

If I had magic....

I would zap you away
Whenever you hurt me

If I had magic....

I would dance with myself
And happy I'd be

If I had magic....

I could zap you back
When loneliness got the best of me

If I had magic....

I wouldn't need a musical soundtrack
I would be the music itself

If I had magic....

I would feel beat, find the pulse
In it, I would bury myself

If I had magic....

I would love you
You would love me

If I had magic....

I would tell you you're beautiful
You would know what I see

If I had magic....

We would know only truth
There would be no lies

If I had magic....

We would see with our heart
Not only our eyes


If I had magic....

It would still be life....
I'd still be a fool....

If you had magic....

What would you do?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I usually hate forward emails, and attempt to make people stop sending them to me, but this poem I actually found in an email like that. According to the forward, this poem was written by a child, and cancer patient, who eagerly urges people to slow down and really enjoy life, which she will probably not be able to do due to her horrible disease. And to her/him I give credit for this lovely poem. :)


Have you ever 
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to 
Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a 
butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the 

You better slow down.
dance so 
Time is short.
The music 

Do you run through each day
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear 

When the day is done
Do you lie 
in your 
With the next hundred chores 
Running through 
your head?

You'd better 
slow down
Don't dance so 
Time is 
The music won't 

Ever told your 
We'll do it 
tomorr ow?
And in your 
Not see 

Ever lost 
Let a good 
friendship die 
Cause you 
never had time 
To call 
and say,'Hi'

better slow down.
Don't dance 
so fast.
is short.
The music won't 

When you run 
so fast to get somewhere
miss half the fun of getting 
When you worry and hurry 
through your 
It is like an unopened 

Life is not a 
Do take it 
Hear the 

Before the song is 

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Life is confusing, I've been waiting
Only to drag myself down
into the pits, of my thoughts, of my broken dreams
Staring at the remains
Trying to remember happiness

My dreams killing me
Devouring my soul from the inside
Taunting me, forcing me to remember
I will never have them
I will never catch them
I will never know what its like
To know happiness
I've made it through
another day....
Work. People. Myself. Life.

Mum is sick, so I had to wait a couple hours
I went on the Aftershock 5 times while waiting
And talked to friends

I had some grapes And some beef jerky
Now I am going to count fuzzy elephants and see if I can
catch some sleep

I am waiting for my lovey dovey friend, by soul mate,
to come see me
It is going to be wondermous
I've missed her soo

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Oh, what to do, what to do with my life?
In then past week I have managed to get through the:
The last day of school
My first day of work.

So, as concerning the last day of school, I was mucho excited for school to be out, as am I now. And I am shamed to say, that miss people, will I not. I have found myself to be somewhat of a recluse, fortunately and unfortunately. But I must seem to contradict myself for, sometimes, I crave people so. And now, for with no support from those of equal level emotionally and maturity-wise shall I say, emotionally, I am immensely drained.

And, as concerning work, I will just say that I made it, and probably not with flying colors. Alright, I'm not thinking I did badly exactly, but my my, it was a bit stressful, if I may say so myself. I find myself very nervous working with other people's money, all the while trying to appease the costumers and keep the change right and make sure that all the procedures are always followed correctly by myself. I pray that I will adjust to the stress, ahh, and that was supposedly a slooow day. I am not looking forward to busy days, not. at. all. Although I think a raise will follow in July and August.

My oh my, please help me keep my head straight, Lord!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I can smell it.

I haven't been on in a while.
My apologies for abandoning this blog for so long.

Life goes on, as difficult and as stressful, yet as beautiful as ever.
One week left of school and the summer adventures *officially* begin.
*Officially* as in the adventures have somewhat begun, but I am definitely looking forward to when school is out and my summer can *officially* start :).

Today we will be hiking to a cove, and hopefully the temp will keep rising. That would be lovely.
Iced coffee, nectarines, picnics, beach towels, hiking, swimsuits, flip flops, ice cream, convertibles, BBQ's,  flowers, sprinklers, and fresh cut and oh-so-green grass
. I can smell summer in the air. And I am ecstatic. 

I am also oh soo very excited for a some of my faaavorite people coming to visit such as my brilliantly lovely Beth, and my gorgeous bestest cuz.

Hopefully I will have some fun pictures of my *hopeful* many adventures to showcase from this summer.

With love. Mimi.

Friday, May 15, 2009

A prayer, A song

I know you're out there, I know I need you
I know you know me, I know you want me
I know you have it, under control
But I can't help but wonder, why I can't feel you
I can't feel the magic, I can't feel it anymore

I'll keep waiting, I'll always remember
I'll be here, I'll be waiting, for you
For you to come and get me

I will always hope that
It wasn't an illusion
I'll always hope that
You really cared, you were watching
You were here

And I will always pray that
You're here with me
I'll always know that I felt that love
It wasn't a mistake, I wasn't crazy, am I crazy?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Finding myself newly inspired by the human anatomy, I am also missing the raw edge of charcoal. The powdery stick in my fingers. There is something I love about charcoal. But alas, I am in extreme need of fixative. Ahh!
I am thankful for a job this summer. I will finally have some cash.
Anywhoo, I have a found a new blog that inspires me, and would like to share it with the world:

Check it out, and pray that I will be able to get some fixative ASAP.


Sunday, April 5, 2009

Spring break is nearing an end, and although it was nice to see my fellow Washingtonians, I am extremely glad to be home in Sandpoint. SB has been leisurely, lazy, and other than racing around to see friends, pretty mellow. Thankgoodness.
I realized this morning, after taking a lovely walk with mum, that I will not be able to excersize quite as much as I fancy when back at school or even after school ends.  Oh!  I should let you know that I've been HIRED!!  Yay! I am excited, first official job, but a bit disappointed that I will not be able to be at the beach 24/7 all summer, chill, and run along the trails in the wonderful weather. Oh, It is not all down the drain, I must tell my self. It is nice to earn some cash though. And another bonus is getting in @ Silverwood for free and two free passes with each paycheck.
Another note....
Of late I have been exploring the Christian Hip-hop scene. I love Hip-hop and Rap but I've been sick of the crap, and the perverted ideas and suggestions ect. supported and endorsed in a majority of the hip-hop stuff that I hear. Now by no means am I completely dissing secular hip-hop but I have actually been finding some good Christian hip-hop artists such as: Lecrea, Trip Lee, Flame, Everyday Process, Sho Baraka, The Cross Movement, ect...

Friday, March 27, 2009

sonnet 14

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I wish

To create another person, to pretend that I am
what I want to be. To dream about love, to fantasize about life,
to want what I will never get. But maybe, if I tried hard?
I would like to not know the real me. And I don't. Not really.
I would like to pretend that I am good. I would like to think that
I really care about people. I would like to think that I'm not a jerk.
It would be nice to be something good.

Have you ever wished you were spectacular?
Do you wish you were amazing?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

My life really doesn't make out for an interesting blog so please excuse my absence.
Haha. Ooops. For a second I was imagining somebody actually reads these waste of words.
Homework + Music + Reading (yes!)+ Sketching a bit + Not getting enough sleep(ugh) + Sewing a tutu + Loads of coffee (caffeine) + Doing crunches like a maniac (swimsuit season coming up. ugh.) + Attempting to make sense of bitchy and annoying people = My. Current. Life. In. A. Nutshell.

Oh but there is a good thing:
• Silverwood themepark employs 14 yearolds
• I applied for a job. whoa.
• I am really hoping to get a job, save up for a car, college, stupid things like that
• Oh. Aaand. I heard you can get a driving permit at 14 1/2 here in the backwoods. OMG!

If I didn't I would not be wouldn't want to live anyways.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Walk with dignity
You're worth more than that

Beautiful, a butterfly, a starrynight sky,
The raging ocean waves,
a here and there.

A mask, a disguise, 
Refuse to let it show
How you are
Who you are

I know its hard to walk with dignity
In your stride
When you just wanna cry
You really wanna die
But you're beautiful
So my darling girl
Put up a fight

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How could he?

Sometimes I worry that some of the thoughts tumbling around in my head might just spill out. That would be embarrassing I think. Or maybe a little bit unsettling.

Sometimes I wonder about complete openness. What if someone you knew everything you thought, everything you meant, everything you really are or were.
I'm not sure how a relationship like that would turn out.
But what if that person was still completely in love with you. And you were just a jerk.
I kind of feel like that. What a drag I am. I just keep falling and dragging him down with me.
I keep stumbling, right after refusing his hand to help me along.

I don't get it.
In two trips to Borders I finished reading a book by Ellen Hopkins.
It was very... I guess you could say inspirational.

Being sick, avoiding homework, reading alone in your room, gives you time to think about things.
I have been thinking about myself, and God, and I'm not really sure what. I will not make an attempt to sound smart or religious or whatever. I'm really trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing and what God wants me to do. I've lately been asking for courage, because I really have none. Most of the time I would like to just hide away from everyone, and read and listen to music by myself. Alone. That would be nice. But if I had courage maybe I could actually make a difference in the world, in people's hearts. That would be much better I think.
I need courage to face the world, to come out of myself. To be who I need to be.
Current reads:

There were a couple of books that I started reading a while ago that I would like to get from the library again are:

Friday, February 27, 2009

I'm truly sorry, I've nothing to blog. My life is uninteresting, boring if I may say so myself. I need adventure, or summer. Summer. I miss the sun! Please come out sun, come see me!
My week: Coughing, being sick, avoiding/procrastinating doing homework, laughing w/ mum, mum buzzing my hair off, listening to music. Oh and searching craigslist for a super cheap sewing machine.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
I have a buttload of tule and pretty fabrics but no sewing machine.
For PE we are doing the balance beam - much fun! - and I really want to sew myself a tutu. We get to have our own costumes!
We also get to choose our own music and I am trying to think of something zesty but balance-able. You see, if I pick something exciting and dancey then I might get a rush of overconfidence and do something embarrassing. But then again, I don't really need music for that. And also, it is GRR because I have to do a memorized and written-down routine. I can't even be spontaneous. grr.

Current tunes:
Breaking Benjamin
Three Days Grace
System Of A Down
And a 'lil hip-hop mixed in here and there.

Friday, February 20, 2009

this kinda makes me happy

Life forever a chase
to escape from the voices
A familiar face
an answer to her choices

This girl has been betrayed
she wished her dad loved her
Her emotions always played
everything she was now a blur

The voices kept screaming
giving her reasons to hate who she was
So alone, wishing she was dreaming
she hates everything she does

Now is the journey to find who she lost
she will not stop whatever the cost

-Mical Edstrom